I am with you
“So do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
-Isaiah 41:10
She stands there, frightened and confused. There is no expression on her face, but she knows something is not right. She is aware that this is not what God intended for her life. She is seven years old the first time she is defiled. That she is me.
Growing up Catholic, saving yourself for marriage was something that was stressed more than anything else. It was the one thing I remember most from my childhood days in Sunday school and attending church. It was a sacred part of our lives, and I wanted to follow it. I was set on waiting. But when I reached 18, I let the ways of the world cloud my judgement, making excuses for why it was okay. “Does God really want us to wait?”, “How would we know if they are a good match, if they are lacking in this area?”, “God will understand.” This way of thinking is built on lies from the enemy, planting seeds of doubt about God’s plan for us and our future. As Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” God designed it this way for a reason-to protect us. When two become one it signifies that two separate lives have become one unified entity, both physically and emotionally sharing a life together. It is meant to be an unbreakable lifelong union. However, we are warned that temptation exist in the world. In 1 Corinthians 7:2 God reminds us, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man shall have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” Temptation is what the enemy uses to turn us away from what we know is right and true and fills us with half-truths and doubt. It was impressed on my heart from God to share my testimony on this part of my life to help heal others. He gave me my second greatest love, the first love being God.
After I was defiled at the age of seven, I was convinced that I was taking this secret to my grave. It was one, that for years, I had buried deep down in my soul, But God. He always has a way of uprooting hurt and pain to bring healing. I believe that this moment is why people tell me I have an emotional disconnect, because I myself think that this moment in time was the root. Growing up after this, boys were the least of my concern. I wanted to make good grade, hang out with my friends, and get out of the town I was in as fast as I could. When I turned 16, the one thing I asked for was a promise ring. A promise to my parents and to God that I would save myself for marriage. I was committed to that. What I did not know, was that 4 or 5 months later I would meet a boy and keep the promise I made to my parents for only two years. So, what happened? I had convinced myself that I was going to marry this person. I was all in. The lie I told myself “I’m going to marry him, close enough.” Once I gave into this lie and broke my promise, our relationship started to crumble. I was always getting yelled at, controlled, I was losing my friends, I got slapped in the face, and I was getting called names. After another year, he proposed, and there was more fighting. Two months later, I decided to end things.
So here I am in the middle of the ocean, just cut ties with my 3-year relationship and what should have left me broken didn’t. I was broken internally because I thought this was the one, and I didn’t respect God’s plan. I was more upset about not waiting than I was about ending the relationship. But instead of turning back to God’s way, I turned to the world. It was filled with more defilement from being young (only 19), alone in a foreign country, and receiving no real healing. To me it was what we all call “testing the waters” Do not believe this. If anyone says this to you, run the opposite way.
Where is God in all of this? Let me tell you where God showed up for me, even though I could not see it at the time. How great is his faithfulness. In the middle of my hurt and pain, I decided to get healthy. Eat well, lose some weight, slow down drinking etc. I was still going out occasionally with people I knew, and some even being guys I had previous relations with, the world calls them friends with benefits (another lie). In 2015, on my twenty second birthday an old friend had reached out. Now I hadn’t heard from this person in two years, so I was excited. We talked a little bit and then two weeks later we started facetiming. Back then we used to skype. We talked every day for hours, and sometimes even fell asleep on calls because we were in 2 different time zones. Now this friend, I met him in school when we both joined the military. I had known him at this point for almost 3 years. When he came back into my life, my whole world seemed to calm down. I cut ties with friends, which I know today that God was pruning my life. I didn’t go out as much, and three months later we were married. Today we have been married almost 10 years. We hit 10 later this year. All glory goes to God for our marriage “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” -Mark 10:9. When I look back at what I went through and asked myself where God was, he was there all along. Protecting me, comforting me, trying to steer me on a different path, pruning me, and then he delivered me a man who he intended me to be joined with all the days of my life. My message for those who are reading this, and can relate, don’t lose faith. Don’t lose hope. When the time is right God will answer. We must remember it is in his timing, and we shouldn’t take matters into our own hands.
