Through the darkness
“We overcome our enemy by the blood of the Lamb”
-Revelation 12:11
Everyone has a story to tell. Pain, they keep bottled up inside awaiting the day it tips over. Crying in secret wondering why life has treated them unfairly. Some of us become so numb to the events in our life that walls are built around our hearts we become emotionless believing the lies of our closest loved ones "you're heartless", "when did your heart become so cold", "why don't you cry", "you have no emotion". When all that is missing is God's light. The TRUTH is, we are all loved by God.
God has always been a part of my faith. In my heart I knew that God existed, there was no sign of doubt for me as an individual that there is one God. I was baptized and raised as a catholic from the time I was born until I was eleven. Every Sunday we were in Sunday school or sitting in the quiet room of the church while the priest gave the message. When I was eight, I remember having my first Holy communion and I also remember it being a day of joy and celebration, but that's all I remember. Sometimes when I try to look back on my Sunday school years, I only remember the hallways being dark and the place felt very cynical. I cannot recall any of the lessons I learned or what we say at communion. Til this day it feels like that part of my life is very brief and non-existent.
Throughout the rest of my childhood, I would attend church here and there with my friend and her family. It was the only way I was allowed to stay the night. Now as an adult, I can lookback and see where God was planting the seeds of his love in my heart. I graduated high school and was on a flight the next day to Illinois where I would go through military training. During that time, I did not know it would become my career and the things I would go through that dragged me away from God even further. The first eight years of my service is what I deem the black hues of my life. In Ephesians 2:10 it states " For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." This is where God picked up the black paint brush and stood by me through a season of my life where I felt alone and further than ever from his presence. During this season, I married an incredible man I believe to be sent from God and now have two beautiful blessings.
After the birth of our second child, I was overwhelmed with Joy and excited to get back home so I could be together with our oldest. Four months later, I noticed a shift in my mind and my whole demeanor overall. I became riddled with fear, anxiety, anger, and later postpartum depression. Still in this season, I had not come back to God and my kids didn't know about him either which made me feel guilty every time I talked about it. I can vividly remember being crippled with so much fear of the world that I wouldn't let my kids stand by the doors or windows. We would barely go outside...at all. For me it was to go to work and come home. A year had passed, and I confided in my husband, but he couldn't help me. I sought therapy, but I only felt better for a little while. I left my family for a month to attend training for my next assignment and while I was away, it was the first time I had prayed ever, and God answered. I promised myself I would go to church at the beginning of the new year and God met me there.
On January 9th of 2022, I walked into the church with my two kids, my brother, and my best friend. At that moment, I remember thinking "what is this?" I didn't grow up where they sang and worshipped and danced and had pure joy on their faces. It was all new to me, but somehow, I felt safe. Once the message started, there was a gush of wind and in an instant, it went from being hot to a rush of chills within me, it was a good feeling. I remember turning to my friend and asking, "what was that?" her simple reply "the Holy Spirit." Uhm "what??" Growing up in a church, I never once learned about the Holy Spirit, so I was confused, but I knew that day God was speaking to my heart. He set before me a divine appointment.
Every Sunday from that day, I attended church with my kids so that I could meet with God, and on October 12th of that same year, I made the decision to be born again. Fast forward a week later, I decided to go to the altar for prayer. I am also the kind of person who does not engage with people I don't know, so for me this was a big step for me in my relationship with God and man did I have an encounter with Jesus that day. At the Altar, a member for the ministry team was listening to me ramble about my concerns for my family, but nothing for myself. I just brushed myself off to the side until he prompted me again "but what about you, how are you doing?" and I didn't know, I was sheepish and stressed so I gave him a little insight and then he prayed for me but not him, Jesus. As I stood there receiving prayer focusing on Jesus, he was forgiving me of things I have never told anybody before. Ensured me that I was right where I'm supposed to be, comforted me in the times I felt alone. He saw me when I was hiding my pain from the world. In that moment, I felt warmth rush through me and a light entered my mind. It was Jesus. From that moment, my life has never been the same.
The light shines through the darkeness
-John 1:5
